THIS POEM SUMS UP AMANDA’S PEACE BE THE JOURNEY

Time has changed 8102020

realize things staring at my ring

have felt so stuck in my past

nothing able to get through

feelings balled up in my chest

but I finally feel I can let them go

the little me then can be at rest

many thing happened that led to me

believing this is the end

starting out as a little girl

  • having my mom and dad not be there
  • remembering the night dad went away
  • the shoe that almost hit me and mom running across the street
  • little girl no friends
  • moving all the time
  • angry at my dad
  • mom was always gone
  • Bruce came in
  • said he would take my dad to court, scared me so bad did not know what that is
  • the time in the front lawn tickled his face just to have him jump up and tackle me to the ground
  • he was never around always in the garage drinking diet coke
  • the one night I was sleeping on the couch he cam in and that was the end
  • the time at the table not being able to do math
  • reading from the clock book just felt afraid
  • first time trying to die by breaking my neck
  • times between trying to break a arm or leg
  • first time overdosed on pills throw up in the end
  • so much pain needed to end
  • in the hospital and not being able to talk to my mom for being to emotional
  • sitting in the den and being told divorce would be our faults
  • calling him dad and him walking away
  • yelling at my mom
  • being one person dating and another after
  • finally we moved out but things still bad
  • little to no friends who did not just want me for a ride
  • smoking cigarettes
  • tried pot once
  • the times in the park late at night swinging on a swing
  • feeling like life was just going to end
  • so much hurt and anger till the end
  • come to now 2020
  • can see so much I was blind to
  • always blamed myself for the past and up to now
  • know now it was and is not my fault
  • even thought was told so in the email from my father
  • can look and see where the cutting came from
  • can see where the self judgment came from and how it has played in myself
  • can see just thinking about these things caused the thought to harm to surface
  • being told the last time in the ER not to cut since there was no real skin
  • getting married and not feeling true until Sunday
  • have gone through so much later in life
  • not getting pregnant
  • step kids that hated me
  • being held away from our grandson
  • mikes parents always being there now gone I wish they were back
  • times mike has gotten hurt and it felt like it was me or so I wished was all of this leading me to life I can finally have at 38 /pages and pages that have been now turned /the little girl can now take a breath /looking at my ring did the trick/ i can see now what I could not before the feelings feel a bit less my mental health is at ease /letting the past be the past this is all I can do now the past can not hurt me/ God by my side all of the trials and I survived, now you can see and I can feel the real me

THERE IS A WAY TO COPE! DO NOT ACT ON YOUR FEELINGS OR THOUGHTS! THESE POEMS ARE HERE TO SHOW MY JOURNEY TO GET TO PEACE. WHAT ARE YOUR WAYS?

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