SOME OF AMANDA’S POEMS-THIS IS HOW SHE COPED SO THE POEMS START FROM THE BEGINNING AND GO UP UNTIL 2020. SOME POEMS WILL BE HARD TO READ DUE TO CONTENT/WORDS/IMAGES

THIS POEM SUMS IT ALL UP..

Time has changed 8/10/2020

realize things staring at my ring

have felt so stuck in my past

nothing able to get through

feelings balled up in my chest

but I finally feel I can let them go

the little me then can be at rest

many thing happened that led to me

believing this is the end

starting out as a little girl

having my mom and dad not be there

remembering the night dad went away

the shoe that almost hit me and mom running across the street

little girl no friends

moving all the time

angry at my dad

mom was always gone

Bruce came in

said he would take my dad to court, scared me so bad did not know what that is

the time in the front lawn tickled his face just to have him jump up and tackle me to the ground

he was never around always in the garage drinking diet coke

the one night I was sleeping on the couch he cam in and that was the end

the time at the table not being able to do math

reading from the clock book just felt afraid

first time trying to die by breaking my neck

times between trying to break a arm or leg

first time overdosed on pills throw up in the end

so much pain needed to end

in the hospital and not being able to talk to my mom for being to emotional

sitting in the den and being told divorce would be our faults

calling him dad and him walking away

yelling at my mom

being one person dating and another after

finally we moved out but things still bad

little to no friends who did not just want me for a ride

smoking cigarettes

tried pot once

the times in the park late at night swinging on a swing

feeling like life was just going to end

so much hurt and anger till the end

come to now 2020

can see so much I was blind to

always blamed myself for the past and up to now

know now it was and is not my fault

even thought was told so in the email from my father

can look and see where the cutting came from

can see where the self judgment came from and how it has played in myself

can see just thinking about these things caused the thought to harm to surface

being told the last time in the ER not to cut since there was no real skin

getting married and not feeling true until Sunday

have gone through so much later in life

not getting pregnant

step kids that hated me

being held away from our grandson

mikes parents always being there now gone I wish they were back

times mike has gotten hurt and it felt like it was me or so I wished

was all of this leading me to life I can finally have at 38

pages and pages that have been now turned

the little girl can now take a breath

looking at my ring did the trick

I can see now what I could not before

the feelings feel a bit less

my mental health is at ease

letting then past be the past

this is all I can do now

the past can not hurt me God by my side

all of the trials and I survived now you can see and I can feel the real me

Jesus my depression 3/26/2002

I am so weak

Yet you bore the cross

I had a headache

Yet you wore a crown of thorns

I have a pain

Yet you got a rod in your side

I hate having to work

Yet you worked night and day

I have sore feet

Yet you walked for miles

I feel alone

Yet you were disowned

I feel afraid

Yet you watched a friend be dead

I talk to one person

Yet you talked to thousands

I have to much to do

Yet you serve the whole world

I hate many people

Yet you offered them food

Cutting 10/5/2001

So many times I have preformed this evil deed

No one understands me anymore

I cried out for help only get hurt

No one here anymore

I reach for my friend my piece of glass

As I clean my arm I wonder what to do

Give into the glass or run away

As I look into the night target is in sight

I start off slow not going very hard

The cut opened blood rushed out

My blood is so red mightily little sea

I get compelled to cut my arm more and more

Many more times the glass dances and drag on my arm

Can not stop it why do I feel the need

Over and over I slice my wretched arm

I think of all the hurt I have reflected on

The more pain the better I feel

Seeing my arm all bloody and the scars

I empty what is within me and wrap up my arm

This is my cutting not yours stop yelling

For seven years it has been my lonely friend

Even though some day end

And on that day streams of bloody tears run

Darkness around me 1/11/2001

As I peer into my life there is much fear

I know fear comes not from above

I am so tired of being scared that I am scared

I am sitting alone much like tonight fear sweeps over me

I look at the scars upon my arm fear is not there

Fear settles upon my mind and makes me cry

Being scared to the point of ending my life

The fear of not knowing of not caring fear is with me alone tonight in this place

As I look at the tool I know I must use

The fear vanished relieves me a little more

As my glass dances leaving a red line

I know the fear gets washed away

It is not nice but usually suffice as I think back upon my life

I really do try and feel

But all I can fathom is darkness all around me

Say a mighty prayer this one last time

DEPRESSION 11/15/2001

THIS IS TRULY AN EVIL WORD

IT COMES FROM NO WHERE BUT DOWN BELOW

IT STEALS YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS AND FEARS

IT TRAPS YOU INSIDE A SO VERY DARK ROOM

IT STEALS YOUR LIFE AWAY FROM YOU

MEDICATION DID NOT WORK AGAIN OR THIS TIME

PEOPLE SAY IT IS ALL IN MY HEAD

NOTHING GOES RIGHT EVERYTHING IS WRONG

SELF-ESTEEM GOES LOW WANT TO DIE AND CRY

NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND

I WAS CONSUMED IN DAMN QUICKSAND

FASTER I SANK UNTIL I COULD NOT MORE

NO ONE LEFT TO CATCH ME MAYBE THE LORD

AS A DESPERATE PLEAS I CALL TO THEE

SAVE ME LORD I AM YOURS

HE PULLS YOU UP JUST TO HAVE YOU DO IT AGAIN

HIS SALVATION NEVER SETTLES IN YOUR HEAD

I HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT ONCE ALL LIFE LONG

I CAN NEVER ESCAPE IT

THERE IS NOWHERE TO HIDE FOR NOW

The past 2001

The past comes future we are alive

So many painful memories no where to run

It hurts to go back in the place of time

So many words so many lies

You will never be the same

People say they are sorry

One last time

It hurts to much to say it is all right

There is no where to heal it

All you can do is feel it will come alive again and again

All the moments stored up inside

All your tries escape in time

You go back in a snare

Why did it have to be so unfair

Why me why now

The past never dies

It will just come alive

For today, tonight and tonight forever

sandy mountains 7/14/2002

Why am I afraid to change

So many times have gone my own way

Tried pretend everything was okay

Times like now my cover gets washed away

My tries were tied upon the sand

Sands of change sands they fall

They beckon to me to come and fall

Bury me into their pit

Hold me there and refuse to let go

Many times have tried to become free

Many times I fall and fall

Will I ever be totally free

The sands of time unlike the rock

The rock of peace I stand upon fall to knee

Fall to hard until they shard and bleed

Called out to god come again and save me

But this time I am only falling upon myself

The four winds blow whispering my name

Can barely hear but I am afraid

Afraid to hear my weaknesses afraid

Called to attention one by one

Sorrow, pity, hurt, shame, deceit, untrusting, vanity, cutting and addictions

Fall in love to what they say

Only see what I allow

Allow myself to see all my downfalls

Not allowed to see the beauty within me

Kill the beauty put down my progress

Pick up hurt ad loneliness

Pick them up which a second ago I put down

Feel to light to be free

Had to be tethered resist the tree

The tree of shame which I have done

The one tree which upon I can stand my ground

I stand firm in the truth resist the winds

But the sands shift and I feel dead

Dead to the truth bring back the sand

The rock of peace to hard for me

To be peace would be my downfall

Downfall of man downfall of everything above

The mighty mountains call to me

Come and stand upon my steady ground

You will not stumble they will not let you fall

Into the sands I have come to love

A love that is truth to which I live

Love that sounds come rescue me

Rescue me from the mountains above

His love and mercy up to far

His power and love steady by his mercy

Called to come and leap upon

Upon your feet and weep above

the quicksand comes and tried to trap me

trap me again and have its fun

calling me again with its strong breeze

have been afraid to look beyond

the walls of sand have not found

the mountain path the path to which I am called

the mountains echo you are not alone

many have come and many will fall

fight the sands of shifting thought

and he will make you strong

strong as the rock gave up a plea

then a bird called to me

follow me my burden is light

I have seen that bird before all this time I had to flee

Flee to the comforting sands

This tie I will go to the little bird and see

The path was gentle clouds of grace

Rains of protection covered me

Got use to this all to soon

Then at that moment I started to believe

This has been too much easy

If it was hard by now I would have fled

Fled to the sands and comfort I knew for so long

The path was easy

I do not get it little bird call me from above

`you have to keep focusing on me

focus on me and do not lose sight

the path to destruction and giving up

free will will always be your choice

a choice of yours I can not take

little by little the clouds turn to gray

the rain progressed should I stay

I could run down and feel safe

Or follow the bird and endure the pain

This is ultimately my choice

So many times have run down the sands

The scars on my knees and the wounded heart

I knew gods healing could have been found

Continue on the path to thee

The little bird chirps aloud

Over the noise of my downfalls

Turn your head do not look back

Look how far you have come along

Close my eyes begin the pray

Lord to you I will lift up my soul

Let me never lift my soul to another

For you are the keeper of me

The path gets hard I can no longer see

Tears pour forth I am shaken to my knees

He lifts me up and makes me see

The glory all around

The healing path he was poured for me

Step by step I travel on

Pressing to him all along

He tells me to keep my eyes focused on the lord

For he will give you honor and truth

The mountains were calling me

Speaking out truths one by one

Seeker of above, forgiving heart

Respectfully peace, maker of love and harmony

The mountains voice was soothing and comforting

Then the lord called me to stop

Stop and look at the sands below

Scared to obey I lowered my head

The sands, the earth swallowed

Mountains came forth steadiness only found

No more hurt no more shame

Strong as the mountains

No deceiving sand was to be found

Just then look my eyes unto heaven

His grace and forgiveness I knew I had fund

Looking at the mountains my faith brought forth.

This poem was written during a time of depression, cutting and suicide. The Lord took something horrible and turned it into something lovely.

Not needing it 11/3/2008

I do not need this now

I feel I have no control

Emotions run ragged

The time only drag by

By body feels alien

No one come near me

In a cage no looking out

Half healed cuts want to bleed

Try and explain why even try

Everyone copes can I just cry

Cry for a time someone give a damn

The time is lost

Razor blades cutting through my mind

It wants to seat

Show its little line

Writing tries my mind

Write how I want to die

Feel so sad but happy outside

Come forth my past

Make your pass

I long to be a happy place

No tears fears angry me

Death o death how sweet thy time

Music flows in perfect time

Feel in solitude

Now I know I still have you

Hold my hand for I might leap

Bound into the ways of my past

People near yet solitude

Its scary 8/1/2014

It is scary how quickly my mood can change

Was having fun

Now sitting and listening to music the sadness overcomes me

How do I keep going

How do I fight these feelings

Is it really at the end

I have said this many times but is it the end

When you try all you can try

Say all the prayers that are possible

Talked to as many people as you can

Medications are not working

Is this really now at the end

I do not want I to be I love mike to much

But there is a price to pay for having this all in my head

It gets to be to much its to heavy

Will not write another note

Will just tell him what I am feeling and thinking

People will be sad but I am sad and want peace

There has to be a place that no more of this rain

A place where it is me and god and no one else

No more pain no more depression

No more not wanting to live

Is there a place yes there is

It is called heaven but I have to live to get there

Is this something I can do

Hell is the alternatives do not want to go

If I die god will take me

If I kill myself god will not say I am a friend

I will have turned on his creation of myself

There is such a choice

Can I keep living more and more

WAKE UP DEAD 5/7/2014

have you ever heard the verse

“please take from me my life when I don’t

have the strength to give it away to Jesus”

I have sung so many times

guess I really never really stopped and thought

never thought id get to this point

id have no strength

thoughts of suicide play en in my head

little fingers creeping through

surrounding my mind already taken hold

breathing light take your life take your life

does every part of my mind find this alright

a little spot not alright

maybe doing this is just not right

maybe it is no more fight

can not feel god through this fight

look at all of what I am doing

going to Jesus is just not right

this is a big part of the fight

so many days I really want to be dead

thoughts of cutting

cut through the mix

put me down close my eyes

talk of hospital left and right

prove ill be safe so many times

can I keep on going

tonight is to much demand

ill lay down once more

lay down my head

tell god i’m sorry

wake up dead

A TIME TO CRY 6292020

As there is a season for everything

there is also a season to cry

keep it so bottled up until sessions after sessions

did not realize how much the past has hurt me today

being left alone as my mom worked

not having many friends who did not use me for my car

you are to emotional is in my head

in my head now but from long ago

felt so much hurt became truth

Bruce was the start

slapping the glass table and the sound it made

my dad and mom were so angry

pounding on the dash was a common thing

my dad even broke a shiftier once in Spain

no one cared about how I felt

when things happened it was like I was not there

even now my mom treats me like a little kid instead of a adult

a adult with the power to say no and walk away

I did not like growing up how we did

then cutting came into play

do not where I learned it from the emotion must have to intense

that is what could bring a person to break something of glass

pick up the shards

look for the meanest one

all my emotions came running out

this I still going on within me

now anxiety blooms

leaves me a mess

Mike is my love and I can not live without him

I did not learn to survive

things have gone bad so many times

a few weeks after we are married I am yelling at his dad

I need to get to my husband nothing else mattered

the time he was working at Cabelas

mom called and said he was in the ER

hurt his back

two other times he went in for chest pain to the ER

building our house we went back to the ER

the two times he hurt his knees in the ER

the timer he broke his collar bone in the ER

I think that started everything with anxiety

was walking down town and he saw a car swerve to meet me

best friend Erin saying mike was in a accident and in the ER

the time he was at the schools and I had to come take him to the ER

the time he had anxiety attach

to many time is what I conclude

from all of this I am very demanding in the ER room

this is my husband and I will know what is going on

and what is going to happen

only trouble is my emotions get the best of me

and I hover like a mother to a little child

want to know everything

but how many times has this been me

coming in in bleeding not wanting anyone to know

my cutting is my secret and I do it alone

he only saw the aftermath until this last time

he really saw everything I had done

never had a place to let things release

was kicked ton the side and not listened to

time growing up went into the psych unit

all I wanted was to talk to my mom

finally got the chance

was told to hand up because I was to emotional

who would not be in that circumstance

my mother was taken from me

the time from DECO just recently

again my friend Erin came to get me and stayed until the end

the racing thoughts

tight chest

sweating hands

rapid talking

because of Covid could not go in

waiting at home the doctor called and talked to me

told mike in the end if he stayed I would be admitted with him

what kind of a life is this

being told I am emotional

yet not having a space to release

until today I let the tears pour

tears from my middle school self

tears from my high school self

just needing to be seen and that is what you did

many things happened growing up

and I am now seeing the consequence

trying to retrain my mind

trying not to cut

someone please tell me how not to freak

this anxiety tortures me from my core

I just want to be free

on many meds

will this get better I really do not know

how do you retrain things from when you were six

you are told your voice does not matter

you are told to hold things in

you are told if your parents divorce it would be your faults

Bruce saying he was going to sue my dad

anxiety all the way had a hand

cope as an adult is not so easy

my emotions have a trigger response

seeing so much between then and now

how do I change myself

I love Mike will my all

and nothing will ever change that

maybe freaking out

is because I did it alone for so long

but now I have a reason for the person I love

I do not feel right it feels wrong

but for now what choice do I have

this is coming from the first time clear me

I AM DAMAMGED GOODS