THIS POEM SUMS IT ALL UP..
Time has changed 8/10/2020
realize things staring at my ring
have felt so stuck in my past
nothing able to get through
feelings balled up in my chest
but I finally feel I can let them go
the little me then can be at rest
many thing happened that led to me
believing this is the end
starting out as a little girl
having my mom and dad not be there
remembering the night dad went away
the shoe that almost hit me and mom running across the street
little girl no friends
moving all the time
angry at my dad
mom was always gone
Bruce came in
said he would take my dad to court, scared me so bad did not know what that is
the time in the front lawn tickled his face just to have him jump up and tackle me to the ground
he was never around always in the garage drinking diet coke
the one night I was sleeping on the couch he cam in and that was the end
the time at the table not being able to do math
reading from the clock book just felt afraid
first time trying to die by breaking my neck
times between trying to break a arm or leg
first time overdosed on pills throw up in the end
so much pain needed to end
in the hospital and not being able to talk to my mom for being to emotional
sitting in the den and being told divorce would be our faults
calling him dad and him walking away
yelling at my mom
being one person dating and another after
finally we moved out but things still bad
little to no friends who did not just want me for a ride
smoking cigarettes
tried pot once
the times in the park late at night swinging on a swing
feeling like life was just going to end
so much hurt and anger till the end
come to now 2020
can see so much I was blind to
always blamed myself for the past and up to now
know now it was and is not my fault
even thought was told so in the email from my father
can look and see where the cutting came from
can see where the self judgment came from and how it has played in myself
can see just thinking about these things caused the thought to harm to surface
being told the last time in the ER not to cut since there was no real skin
getting married and not feeling true until Sunday
have gone through so much later in life
not getting pregnant
step kids that hated me
being held away from our grandson
mikes parents always being there now gone I wish they were back
times mike has gotten hurt and it felt like it was me or so I wished
was all of this leading me to life I can finally have at 38
pages and pages that have been now turned
the little girl can now take a breath
looking at my ring did the trick
I can see now what I could not before
the feelings feel a bit less
my mental health is at ease
letting then past be the past
this is all I can do now
the past can not hurt me God by my side
all of the trials and I survived now you can see and I can feel the real me
Jesus my depression 3/26/2002
I am so weak
Yet you bore the cross
I had a headache
Yet you wore a crown of thorns
I have a pain
Yet you got a rod in your side
I hate having to work
Yet you worked night and day
I have sore feet
Yet you walked for miles
I feel alone
Yet you were disowned
I feel afraid
Yet you watched a friend be dead
I talk to one person
Yet you talked to thousands
I have to much to do
Yet you serve the whole world
I hate many people
Yet you offered them food
Cutting 10/5/2001
So many times I have preformed this evil deed
No one understands me anymore
I cried out for help only get hurt
No one here anymore
I reach for my friend my piece of glass
As I clean my arm I wonder what to do
Give into the glass or run away
As I look into the night target is in sight
I start off slow not going very hard
The cut opened blood rushed out
My blood is so red mightily little sea
I get compelled to cut my arm more and more
Many more times the glass dances and drag on my arm
Can not stop it why do I feel the need
Over and over I slice my wretched arm
I think of all the hurt I have reflected on
The more pain the better I feel
Seeing my arm all bloody and the scars
I empty what is within me and wrap up my arm
This is my cutting not yours stop yelling
For seven years it has been my lonely friend
Even though some day end
And on that day streams of bloody tears run
Darkness around me 1/11/2001
As I peer into my life there is much fear
I know fear comes not from above
I am so tired of being scared that I am scared
I am sitting alone much like tonight fear sweeps over me
I look at the scars upon my arm fear is not there
Fear settles upon my mind and makes me cry
Being scared to the point of ending my life
The fear of not knowing of not caring fear is with me alone tonight in this place
As I look at the tool I know I must use
The fear vanished relieves me a little more
As my glass dances leaving a red line
I know the fear gets washed away
It is not nice but usually suffice as I think back upon my life
I really do try and feel
But all I can fathom is darkness all around me
Say a mighty prayer this one last time
DEPRESSION 11/15/2001
THIS IS TRULY AN EVIL WORD
IT COMES FROM NO WHERE BUT DOWN BELOW
IT STEALS YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS AND FEARS
IT TRAPS YOU INSIDE A SO VERY DARK ROOM
IT STEALS YOUR LIFE AWAY FROM YOU
MEDICATION DID NOT WORK AGAIN OR THIS TIME
PEOPLE SAY IT IS ALL IN MY HEAD
NOTHING GOES RIGHT EVERYTHING IS WRONG
SELF-ESTEEM GOES LOW WANT TO DIE AND CRY
NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND
I WAS CONSUMED IN DAMN QUICKSAND
FASTER I SANK UNTIL I COULD NOT MORE
NO ONE LEFT TO CATCH ME MAYBE THE LORD
AS A DESPERATE PLEAS I CALL TO THEE
SAVE ME LORD I AM YOURS
HE PULLS YOU UP JUST TO HAVE YOU DO IT AGAIN
HIS SALVATION NEVER SETTLES IN YOUR HEAD
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT ONCE ALL LIFE LONG
I CAN NEVER ESCAPE IT
THERE IS NOWHERE TO HIDE FOR NOW
The past 2001
The past comes future we are alive
So many painful memories no where to run
It hurts to go back in the place of time
So many words so many lies
You will never be the same
People say they are sorry
One last time
It hurts to much to say it is all right
There is no where to heal it
All you can do is feel it will come alive again and again
All the moments stored up inside
All your tries escape in time
You go back in a snare
Why did it have to be so unfair
Why me why now
The past never dies
It will just come alive
For today, tonight and tonight forever
sandy mountains 7/14/2002
Why am I afraid to change
So many times have gone my own way
Tried pretend everything was okay
Times like now my cover gets washed away
My tries were tied upon the sand
Sands of change sands they fall
They beckon to me to come and fall
Bury me into their pit
Hold me there and refuse to let go
Many times have tried to become free
Many times I fall and fall
Will I ever be totally free
The sands of time unlike the rock
The rock of peace I stand upon fall to knee
Fall to hard until they shard and bleed
Called out to god come again and save me
But this time I am only falling upon myself
The four winds blow whispering my name
Can barely hear but I am afraid
Afraid to hear my weaknesses afraid
Called to attention one by one
Sorrow, pity, hurt, shame, deceit, untrusting, vanity, cutting and addictions
Fall in love to what they say
Only see what I allow
Allow myself to see all my downfalls
Not allowed to see the beauty within me
Kill the beauty put down my progress
Pick up hurt ad loneliness
Pick them up which a second ago I put down
Feel to light to be free
Had to be tethered resist the tree
The tree of shame which I have done
The one tree which upon I can stand my ground
I stand firm in the truth resist the winds
But the sands shift and I feel dead
Dead to the truth bring back the sand
The rock of peace to hard for me
To be peace would be my downfall
Downfall of man downfall of everything above
The mighty mountains call to me
Come and stand upon my steady ground
You will not stumble they will not let you fall
Into the sands I have come to love
A love that is truth to which I live
Love that sounds come rescue me
Rescue me from the mountains above
His love and mercy up to far
His power and love steady by his mercy
Called to come and leap upon
Upon your feet and weep above
the quicksand comes and tried to trap me
trap me again and have its fun
calling me again with its strong breeze
have been afraid to look beyond
the walls of sand have not found
the mountain path the path to which I am called
the mountains echo you are not alone
many have come and many will fall
fight the sands of shifting thought
and he will make you strong
strong as the rock gave up a plea
then a bird called to me
follow me my burden is light
I have seen that bird before all this time I had to flee
Flee to the comforting sands
This tie I will go to the little bird and see
The path was gentle clouds of grace
Rains of protection covered me
Got use to this all to soon
Then at that moment I started to believe
This has been too much easy
If it was hard by now I would have fled
Fled to the sands and comfort I knew for so long
The path was easy
I do not get it little bird call me from above
`you have to keep focusing on me
focus on me and do not lose sight
the path to destruction and giving up
free will will always be your choice
a choice of yours I can not take
little by little the clouds turn to gray
the rain progressed should I stay
I could run down and feel safe
Or follow the bird and endure the pain
This is ultimately my choice
So many times have run down the sands
The scars on my knees and the wounded heart
I knew gods healing could have been found
Continue on the path to thee
The little bird chirps aloud
Over the noise of my downfalls
Turn your head do not look back
Look how far you have come along
Close my eyes begin the pray
Lord to you I will lift up my soul
Let me never lift my soul to another
For you are the keeper of me
The path gets hard I can no longer see
Tears pour forth I am shaken to my knees
He lifts me up and makes me see
The glory all around
The healing path he was poured for me
Step by step I travel on
Pressing to him all along
He tells me to keep my eyes focused on the lord
For he will give you honor and truth
The mountains were calling me
Speaking out truths one by one
Seeker of above, forgiving heart
Respectfully peace, maker of love and harmony
The mountains voice was soothing and comforting
Then the lord called me to stop
Stop and look at the sands below
Scared to obey I lowered my head
The sands, the earth swallowed
Mountains came forth steadiness only found
No more hurt no more shame
Strong as the mountains
No deceiving sand was to be found
Just then look my eyes unto heaven
His grace and forgiveness I knew I had fund
Looking at the mountains my faith brought forth.
This poem was written during a time of depression, cutting and suicide. The Lord took something horrible and turned it into something lovely.
Not needing it 11/3/2008
I do not need this now
I feel I have no control
Emotions run ragged
The time only drag by
By body feels alien
No one come near me
In a cage no looking out
Half healed cuts want to bleed
Try and explain why even try
Everyone copes can I just cry
Cry for a time someone give a damn
The time is lost
Razor blades cutting through my mind
It wants to seat
Show its little line
Writing tries my mind
Write how I want to die
Feel so sad but happy outside
Come forth my past
Make your pass
I long to be a happy place
No tears fears angry me
Death o death how sweet thy time
Music flows in perfect time
Feel in solitude
Now I know I still have you
Hold my hand for I might leap
Bound into the ways of my past
People near yet solitude
Its scary 8/1/2014
It is scary how quickly my mood can change
Was having fun
Now sitting and listening to music the sadness overcomes me
How do I keep going
How do I fight these feelings
Is it really at the end
I have said this many times but is it the end
When you try all you can try
Say all the prayers that are possible
Talked to as many people as you can
Medications are not working
Is this really now at the end
I do not want I to be I love mike to much
But there is a price to pay for having this all in my head
It gets to be to much its to heavy
Will not write another note
Will just tell him what I am feeling and thinking
People will be sad but I am sad and want peace
There has to be a place that no more of this rain
A place where it is me and god and no one else
No more pain no more depression
No more not wanting to live
Is there a place yes there is
It is called heaven but I have to live to get there
Is this something I can do
Hell is the alternatives do not want to go
If I die god will take me
If I kill myself god will not say I am a friend
I will have turned on his creation of myself
There is such a choice
Can I keep living more and more
WAKE UP DEAD 5/7/2014
have you ever heard the verse
“please take from me my life when I don’t
have the strength to give it away to Jesus”
I have sung so many times
guess I really never really stopped and thought
never thought id get to this point
id have no strength
thoughts of suicide play en in my head
little fingers creeping through
surrounding my mind already taken hold
breathing light take your life take your life
does every part of my mind find this alright
a little spot not alright
maybe doing this is just not right
maybe it is no more fight
can not feel god through this fight
look at all of what I am doing
going to Jesus is just not right
this is a big part of the fight
so many days I really want to be dead
thoughts of cutting
cut through the mix
put me down close my eyes
talk of hospital left and right
prove ill be safe so many times
can I keep on going
tonight is to much demand
ill lay down once more
lay down my head
tell god i’m sorry
wake up dead
A TIME TO CRY 6292020
As there is a season for everything
there is also a season to cry
keep it so bottled up until sessions after sessions
did not realize how much the past has hurt me today
being left alone as my mom worked
not having many friends who did not use me for my car
you are to emotional is in my head
in my head now but from long ago
felt so much hurt became truth
Bruce was the start
slapping the glass table and the sound it made
my dad and mom were so angry
pounding on the dash was a common thing
my dad even broke a shiftier once in Spain
no one cared about how I felt
when things happened it was like I was not there
even now my mom treats me like a little kid instead of a adult
a adult with the power to say no and walk away
I did not like growing up how we did
then cutting came into play
do not where I learned it from the emotion must have to intense
that is what could bring a person to break something of glass
pick up the shards
look for the meanest one
all my emotions came running out
this I still going on within me
now anxiety blooms
leaves me a mess
Mike is my love and I can not live without him
I did not learn to survive
things have gone bad so many times
a few weeks after we are married I am yelling at his dad
I need to get to my husband nothing else mattered
the time he was working at Cabelas
mom called and said he was in the ER
hurt his back
two other times he went in for chest pain to the ER
building our house we went back to the ER
the two times he hurt his knees in the ER
the timer he broke his collar bone in the ER
I think that started everything with anxiety
was walking down town and he saw a car swerve to meet me
best friend Erin saying mike was in a accident and in the ER
the time he was at the schools and I had to come take him to the ER
the time he had anxiety attach
to many time is what I conclude
from all of this I am very demanding in the ER room
this is my husband and I will know what is going on
and what is going to happen
only trouble is my emotions get the best of me
and I hover like a mother to a little child
want to know everything
but how many times has this been me
coming in in bleeding not wanting anyone to know
my cutting is my secret and I do it alone
he only saw the aftermath until this last time
he really saw everything I had done
never had a place to let things release
was kicked ton the side and not listened to
time growing up went into the psych unit
all I wanted was to talk to my mom
finally got the chance
was told to hand up because I was to emotional
who would not be in that circumstance
my mother was taken from me
the time from DECO just recently
again my friend Erin came to get me and stayed until the end
the racing thoughts
tight chest
sweating hands
rapid talking
because of Covid could not go in
waiting at home the doctor called and talked to me
told mike in the end if he stayed I would be admitted with him
what kind of a life is this
being told I am emotional
yet not having a space to release
until today I let the tears pour
tears from my middle school self
tears from my high school self
just needing to be seen and that is what you did
many things happened growing up
and I am now seeing the consequence
trying to retrain my mind
trying not to cut
someone please tell me how not to freak
this anxiety tortures me from my core
I just want to be free
on many meds
will this get better I really do not know
how do you retrain things from when you were six
you are told your voice does not matter
you are told to hold things in
you are told if your parents divorce it would be your faults
Bruce saying he was going to sue my dad
anxiety all the way had a hand
cope as an adult is not so easy
my emotions have a trigger response
seeing so much between then and now
how do I change myself
I love Mike will my all
and nothing will ever change that
maybe freaking out
is because I did it alone for so long
but now I have a reason for the person I love
I do not feel right it feels wrong
but for now what choice do I have
this is coming from the first time clear me
I AM DAMAMGED GOODS
